Are They All You Think About? Read This—It Could Be Limerence

Do You Remember Your First Crush?

It was probably something innocent—a glance across the room or a hope they would pass you the ball during P.E. And then bam! Instant obsession. Suddenly, we are daydreaming about them, imagining a whole future if only they liked you back. We pictured ourselves as part of a romantic story, fantasising about being noticed, becoming a couple, and maybe even going to the school dance together.

And here we are, years later.

You would think we would have grown out of this feeling. Yet, for some of us, not really. Now, it’s just a bit more complicated. In adulthood, it’s no longer about getting their attention on the schoolyard. Instead, we:

• Endlessly check our phones, waiting for a message.

• Obsess over whether they are online or if they have seen our last text.

• We replay conversations in our heads, wondering what they meant by something they said.

• Analyze how long it took them to respond, fixating on every little detail.

Sometimes, that sweet crush develops into something stronger, almost overwhelming—a hard mental fixation that's difficult to let go of. And if you have been there, I get it. You meet someone, and suddenly, they are occupying all the space in your head that should be for more important things. This isn’t just a crush—your brain has a new obsession, and it’s called limerence.

What Is Limerence?

Most social media platforms often portray limerence as an “involuntary obsession” or a “quirk” of romance. But do not let it fool you - limerence is not just a fun personality trait. It’s almost like an emotional parasite. Limerence transforms a small, lighthearted crush into a consuming fixation, making this person the focal point of our life.

This is when we can find ourselves refreshing their social media feed obsessively, overanalyzing every word exchanged, and noting their every expression. If you have found yourself asking, “Why can’t I stop thinking about them?” limerence could be the answer.

Crush vs. Limerence: What’s the Difference?

A Crush

It's like a low-commitment hobby. We see their name pop up, and it makes us smile. We might replay a few conversations, but we can still go about our day. A crush adds sparkle, without taking over our mental space. If it’s unrequited, we can sigh, shrug, and move on.

Enter Limerence

This is when the person becomes the star of our thoughts, the VIP of our inner world. We check our phones like it’s the stock market, waiting for any small sign of interest from them. We plan our day around the chance of “accidentally” bumping into them.

‘Oh, I just happened to choose this coffee shop where they are often spotted on Fridays at 8 a.m.—what a coincidence!’.

If they reply to a simple “hello,” it feels like winning the emotional lottery. Yet, every small interaction leads to a spiral of overthinking:

'Did they mean “How are you?" as just a friend, or was it secretly code for, "I’m madly in love with you but too shy to admit it"? Maybe they were dying to start a real conversation but panicked and went with the safest line possible. Or—plot twist—maybe they are waiting for me to respond with, “Well, much better now that you asked."

If you have seen the movie 500 Days of Summer, you will know exactly what I mean. And if you haven’t, I highly recommend giving it a watch, because limerence is captured perfectly. Tom, the protagonist, becomes captivated by Summer, convinced she is “the one.” He fixates on small moments, tiny gestures, and fleeting connections, building them into a grand story of romantic destiny. In his mind, Summer becomes less of a real person and more of a perfect symbol for all he thinks he needs to be happy.

Tom ignores the fact that Summer has different desires and perspectives, and even explicitly tells him she doesn’t want a committed relationship. But because he is so focused on his fantasy, he doesn’t hear her - he hears only what fits his dream.

Many of us have done this—we become infatuated not with the actual person, but with what we imagine they could be, or what their presence might add to our lives. And when reality inevitably doesn’t match that fantasy, we are left heartbroken, not because of who they were, but because they couldn’t fulfil the story we had written in our heads.

What Drives Limerence?

At its core, it's often about seeking something we feel is missing. In a world that can sometimes feel disconnected or overwhelming, we crave emotional excitement and reassurance. It’s easy to believe that if we find the "right" person, suddenly everything will fall into place, like something out of a fairy tale.

But the truth is, limerence is often more about what we are looking for within ourselves—validation, connection, a sense of control or comfort. In many ways, we project an idealised version of someone, imagining they hold the answers to our emotional needs. It’s a way of escaping the discomfort of uncertainty or unmet needs in our own lives.

The irony? It’s not really about them at all—it’s about what we are avoiding in ourselves. When we get lost in a daydream, it can feel easier than confronting the parts of ourselves that need healing or growth.

Why Limerence Is So Common Today?

In a world of social media and dating apps, it’s easier than ever to slip into a state of limerence without even realizing it. One swipe right, and suddenly, it’s more than just a match—we are glimpsing into their life, combing through holiday photos from years ago, piecing together fragments of who you imagine they are. And, somehow, that mental picture becomes vivid, almost real. We start to wonder what life would be like if we were in those photos too, creating a story around someone we barely know.

And just like that, this near-stranger isn’t just someone we are interested in—they have quietly taken centre stage in our thoughts. It goes beyond casual attraction - it becomes something more intense, and more consuming.

How To Stop Limerence Once and For All?

Self-Compassion

For a long time, I struggled with the feeling that limerence defined me. It’s like my mind was consumed by fantasies that felt so real and consuming. Over time, though, I realized that these feelings were simply part of being human.

Instead of criticizing myself for getting lost in those thoughts, I began to ask myself, 'What am I really seeking right now?' This shift—moving from judgment to curiosity—helped me understand that it wasn’t “wrong” to feel this way. Limerence isn’t something to be ashamed of - it’s an opportunity to be kind to ourselves when we feel vulnerable.

Movement as a Way to Reconnect

Movement became one of my anchors. I’m not talking about restless pacing around waiting for a text to arrive, but genuine, grounding movement. When my thoughts would spiral, I would get up, stretch, maybe dance around my room or take a quick walk.

These simple actions brought me back to the present moment, away from the fantasies that tried to pull me in. Every time I’d reconnect with the real world, I would feel a bit stronger, more rooted in reality.

Journalling

Journaling was a turning point for me. I would write down every thought—the ache of wanting to be noticed, the frustration of waiting, the endless spiral of “what ifs.”

Letting those thoughts out onto paper gave me clarity. I could see the difference between what was real and what was just fantasy. It gave me a space to process, and, over time, it felt less like I was drowning in daydreams and more like I was finding my footing in what was real.

Setting Gentle Boundaries With Our Thoughts

This was a big one for me. I realized that so much of my limerence was about projecting my desires onto someone else, seeing them not as they were, but as I wanted them to be. I learned to ask myself:

Am I really seeing this person, or am I seeing a version of them that fits my ideal?

Is this thought bringing me peace, or is it keeping me stuck?

Recognizing this difference took practice, but it helped me put some distance between myself and the fantasy. It is not about trying to dismiss my feelings but instead gently checking if they are helping me grow or just keeping me trapped in a dream.

It’s Okay to Crave Connection, But Limerence Isn’t One

Like most people, I longed for connection—for someone who would understand and appreciate me. At times, that limerent crush felt like it fulfilled that need. But over time, it was clear that limerence is often an illusion of connection, driven by intense emotions but lacking real depth. Real connection, I have come to realize, grows from shared experiences, open communication, and true and mutual understanding.

Turning the Focus Towards Ourself

As much as I longed for peace from someone else, I eventually realised that the person I needed to focus on was me.

The qualities and validation we often seek are things we can cultivate within ourselves, or sometimes find through other meaningful relationships in our lives—not necessarily a romantic one. Rediscovering myself meant exploring what I enjoy, what makes me happy, and what parts of myself I have been neglecting.

This journey isn’t instant, and it’s certainly not easy. Some days we might still catch ourselves lost in limerence, but we could learn to embrace those moments without judgement. We don’t need all the answers immediately. It’s okay to take this journey one step at a time. When we feel that pull of limerence, we can remind ourselves we have a choice. We can choose to focus on our life, our growth, and our healing. That’s how we can find peace.